Playing it safe

Conventional BDSM wisdom has it that there are few things worse for a dominant than to hear the dreaded safeword.

Dreaded safeword?  You betcha.  Flipping over to my submissive persona it takes a lot, and I mean a lot, to make me safeword.  Way more than is healthy.  If you ever play with me and I ((safeword)) you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m very far from okay and not a happy kitten.  That’s not the domme’s fault, it’s my fault for letting it get that far ’cause I really really hate failure and, for better or worse, safeword means a scene has not gone well.

I really do need to grow up about that, I’m trying, believe me I am.  Flipping back to my domme persona, what do I feel if I have someone safeword on me?  Well knowing how I feel when I safeword, a truck load of guilt.  I want to wrap the submissive up in my arms and tell her it’s okay, it’s not her fault, we’ll learn from it etc etc and in my opinion that’s the way it should be; a safewording submissive is in a vulnerable state and it’s the duty of the dominant to look after the submissive before licking her own wounds.

So that’s the obvious side of failure, nothing there should be news.  The less obvious side of failure is playing it too safe and in my opinion it’s much more insidious and very difficult for a domme to manage because it relys on something most (not all) submissives suck royally at; telling the dominant what is wanted.

Let’s take Anna (fictional), she’s all about being locked up and left to the mercy of others, that’s what she really enjoys.  Now as a dominant that’s not my style at all.  I’m quite protective of any submissive under me but say for the sake of arugment we became semi-serious.  Any time we’re online together I’d keep her leashed and available, inviting others to have their way with her etc.  While I”m online everything’s peachy, she’s getting what she wants.

Before I log I set her free, this isn’t what Anna wants but it’s unlikely I’ll hear that from her because she’ll not want me to think I’ve dissapointed her.  I walk off feeling good about myself, she’s left frustrated with half met needs.  I say this a lot,  I reckon it’s one of the hardest things in the world for a submissive to tell a dominant, directly, how they want to play.  It’s a catch 22.  If the submissive tells me she wants locked up for a week in a free sex sim, who’s running the show?  The submissive or the dominant?  There’s even a phrase for it, topping from the bottom, not that I necessarily agree with that from a dominant perspective, but it’s hardwired in to the submissive kitten in me; I’m trying to find a short circuit for that.

So where does that leave me and how I approach my play?

I’m the domnant.  I run the show and I set the direction.  I’m prepared to take the odd knock from an occaisional safeword as for me it’s the lesser of two evils.  Provided my submissive trusts I have her best intersts at heart and will learn from things that don’t go so well it’s up to me to brave the way in to the unknown for both of us.