Archive for October, 2009

…or mistress or queen or whatever title they go by.  What, you think you’re going to avoid my ire just because you’re submissive to someone else?  Uh-uh, you cause me offense, you’ll be hearing about it directly from me.

One of a catalog of my many bug bears is reading something like this in a profile:

Any complaints or compliments are to be addressed to my owner, Miss Twoshoes

I have a few problems with this.  For one, it goes against my philosophy on BDSM.  I don’t have relationships with dominants, submissives, I have relationships with people.  If there’s a BDSM element to any of those relationships, they’ll develop over a period of time. So if someone offends me, there’s no BDSM element to that, it’s an interpersonal conflict which is of no business to anyone else.

Another problem I have with it is that I myself have rather unusual quirks.  There are characteristics in my submissives which I value and may well not to conform to other people’s ideas of what BDSM is.  Well that’s tough tooty.  They submit to me to please me (and themselves), not to please you and it would be utter hypocrisy for me to contact a dominant because their submissive didn’t conform to my ideals.

Rarely it is necessary to contact the dominant, usually to haul him or her over the coals.  One particular occasion springs to mind; a lady refused to address me as anything other than sis or miss.  Regular readers will know my position on that, if you don’t then here’s what I’ve written about such nonsense.  This lady was adamant that to call me anything else would be against her instructions, so on that occasion I did contact her mistress and reamed her for non-consensually involving me in their BDSM  That is not on.

Other than that though, I talk to people directly and you know what?  That pays dividends I reckon.  I see some really nice work on a set of shackles (you know who you are) I have no hesitation in opening up an IM and going “ooooooh, love what you’ve done with your cuffs,” and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

What’s even worse though is something like this:

Any complaints or compliments about my girls must be brought to me.

Huh?  Who are you to tell me what to do?  If I’ve a problem with one of your living in submission hasn’t got a mouth for herself girls, I’m gonna be taking it up with her, not you.  If you really want to micro-manage their existence, have them report all complaints or compliments to you, leave me out of it.  If, after that, you find you need to speak to me, be my guest but you’re gonna be the one initiating the exchange, not me.  I’m quite approachable really and I’m always up for a good discussion 🙂

From Shuggi’s pet peeves of SL and BDSM department.

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I was processed as a bane last night, and that’s what I am now.  Sixty hours.  I think people are enjoying a quiet Shuggi for a change.

Due to a slight administrative error, the sentence is twenty four hours….initially…

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A word about no names

Anyone who’s heard me rant about this will be rolling their eyes right about now.  There are very few occasions where deny names makes sense.  I recall when the restriction first came out, people were doing it to each other like some sort of game.  One choice quote I remember quite clearly, “oh, like I’m not going to know what my wife’s *censored* tastes like, nor be able to recognize her moans, her smell or what she looks like.”  At the time, this lady was on her knees with no blindfold, no earmuffs or anything like that in front of her wife…and she was under no names.

Dumb dumb dumb.  I’ll freely admit to having a problem with this restriction when used incorrectly, it’s a logic bomb that goes off in my head and irritates the living crap out of me.  I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve greeted a friend and there are other people around and the friend’s said, “who’s talking?”  It’s a great restriction when used appropriately, when it’s abused though I just wanna log quite frankly.

Think very carefully about what you’re doing before using no names.  Reasons to use no names:

  • Sensory deprivation: deaf/blind – how you going to know who’s around?
  • Mind control: if the RP is that your personality’s been over-ridden then yes no names can be very good here
  • Kidnapping: It’s entirely feasible that you will not be able to identify your captor(s) in a kidnapping

Banishment is NOT a reason!  The banes had not trouble recognizing their former fellow citizens, they just couldn’t communicate with them.

There are probably others, sinking in a pit of quicksand maybe.  If there is any doubt at all, it’s better not to use it.

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I’m somewhat flattered that I’ve been invited as a contributing author to Subbie Union.  Aside from the obvious ego stoking, I’ll try not to let it go to my head, it’s prompted me to make some changes to what this blog is about.

Technical and informative posts will from this point on be published over at Subbie Union, for example shared folders, RLV, aftercare etc.

I intend to take this blog in a more personal direction, although I’ll try not to become too self aggrandizing.

I’m quite excited about this development, now I just need to bully myself in to blogging more frequently.

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You are forgiven if you don’t know what that is, it seems that few people in SL do.  That has to change, starting now.

If you read this and you blog, blog about aftercare.  If you have input in to any BDSM play space or group, make information on aftercare available.  Please.


So what is aftercare?  Simply put it is the most important part of a scene.  It is validation for all participants, it’s the group hug.

It’s what helps someone come back to earth after euphoria or lift her up from the depths of despair, because sometimes things to go bad.  Even when everything goes brilliantly, feelings of euphoria can quickly turn to feelings of shame.

This applies to tops and bottoms!  Tops have emotions and feelings too.

Plagiarising from The BDSM Site

Aftercare is especially important following:

  • Scenes that are demanding and intense
  • Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
  • Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation or intimations of nonconsensuality
  • Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm or emotional release.
  • Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting or unseemly act of God.
  • Scenes that have "gone bad" resulting in anger, or upset, or ending on a safeword (both top and bottom may well need/appreciate some reassurance if this happens)

Another worthwhile read from the Island of Pain (why have I never been here before?): Excellent post on The Importance of Aftercare.

Tops, well it’s a bit more complicated for you.  Generally speaking, you’ll need to go to friends, platonic ones.  We all have our doubts, most of the time it’s better to thrash those doubts out with a trusted friend so that you’ve thrashed out your own internal issues before bringing anything up with the bottom.  I’ve a few people I can go to and I do; sometimes they come to me too.

How many of you can put your hand on your heart and say that you’ve diligently practiced aftercare in SL?  I know I haven’t, and I know better.

BDSM is wonderful, it can also be terrible.  Let’s all do our bit to make it wonderful.

Practice aftercare.

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No names, no pack drill.

One person made a complete goose of herself and had a wee bit of a tanty, that wasn’t good. The mistake was realized and that person tried to make good with the two people the person offended.

Things seemed to be going okay until one of the offended parties, a resident, initiated an IM. Now the offended party had every right to be upset but even so the resident made some fundamental errors.

Firstly the resident kept referring to the person as a sub and characterizing the person’s transgressions against the person’s submissiveness.

That was a mistake. As I’ve covered earlier submission describes a relationship dynamic, it’s not who you are and it does not impose a defined standard of behavior.

Secondly the resident put conditions on the apology, saying that as the person was a good friend of the citizen, that’s the only reason the resident is accepting the apology.

That was a mistake. You either accept an apology, draw a line under it and move on, or you don’t. Saying that you’re only accepting the apology because of someone else means you’re not really accepting the apology.

When you’re talking to people you don’t have a relationship with, talk to the person, not the supposed role you think that person may have. It can save a lot of grief.

Finally to all of you who love slapping no names on in RLV, confusing, isn’t it?

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Neko dominants

I was in Free BDSM the other night when a lady caught my eye, we got to chatting and she said, oh I’ve never met a neko domme before.

That pulled me up short and I had to have a think. Offhand I can think of only a handful of neko dominants, the majority are in submissive relationships or switches.

I mentioned it to Niki who divulged a friend of hers reacted with surprise on learning I’m neko. I’m guessing one of two things.

One, the type of person who is drawn to neko has submissive tendancies or two, neko are not that numerous so perhaps the dominants just stand out more than amongst hoomans.

Not that it matters, I am who I am.

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Welcome back, this’ll be a much shorter post (I hope).  I class Direct communication as:

  • IM
  • Notecards
  • Photos (textures)

The reasons for restricting these methods of communication are varied, contextual and much more contentious.  Why are they contentious?  Well for many notecards, photos and especially IM are Out Of Character ((OOC)).  Except for very specific types of play, I concur with this view as I tend to play with an audience and for both the sake of me and my top/bottom, it’s better if any OOC stuff happens in private.

Consider the following in front of a half dozen people:

Top takes out a large butt plug which has a hollowed out middle with medical tubing fitted in to it.

Top: You need a good cleaning out, slut.

Bottom:((actually I don’t do anal, much less enemas))

Having been on the receiving end and the giving end it’s really not a comfortable feeling to inform or be informed that you’re trespassing a limit in front of others.  I can roll with it but it doesn’t look that good to others and puts both in an uncomfortable position.  I know some bottoms who’d rather log than fess up in public that a limit’s being approached, which is sad but there we go.  For some tops, especially inexperienced ones, it can end the scene as well; not because that a limit’s been identified but due to being flustered.

Same scenario:

Top takes out a large butt plug which is has a hollowed out middle with medical tubing fitted in to it.

Top: You need a good cleaning out, slut.

IM Bottom:((actually I don’t do anal, much less fluids))

IM Top: ((Okay, I’ve heard you.  I’ll RP it away if you can roll with it for a couple of poses?))

IM Bottom: ((Okay))

Top examines your rosebud thoughtfully, weighing the large butt plug in her hand.

Bottom looks at the butt plug with wide, horrified eyes

Top:  You’re an anal virgin, aren’t you slut?

Bottom nods slowly, blushing a bit

Top frowns

Top: Pity, I don’t have a virgin’s butt plug to hand.  We’ll have to rectify that sometime.

Now isn’t that much more appealing?  It’s for this reason, mainly because I do play with strangers quite a bit, that I much prefer to leave IM unblocked or at the very least with me as an exception (I’ll get to that).

So where does that leave notecards and pictures?  This is something I’ve played with a little bit but not much, let’s say for one reason or another you’ve been left gagged and the gag blocks IM.  You’re otherwise unrestrained, you could do something like this:

Friend: Oh, gagged.  Why are you gagged?

Bottom gets out her notepad and scribbles quickly, showing the pad to her friend

Let’s pause here a minute, Friend gets the note and there are other people around, this gives Friend some options, she can do one of a few things.

Friend reads the note and chuckles, motioning to Bottom that she’s read it.


Friend theatrically reads from the note, “Because someone gagged me, stupid!”

Friend sighs as she hunts around for her crop, “Not having much effect on your manners, maybe I can fix that…”

and so on.  The point I’m making is that Bottom still has a way to IC communicate and that’s something that can be taken away; an opening for further interaction.  Now let’s say that’s the path friend’s going down and she manages to overpower bottom, binding her hands.  How’s she going to write?

That’s the sort of scenario where blocking notecards would make sense.  Now of course you could do that by RP but remember the fundamental thing about RLV is making the bottom feel controlled: that’s the reason Bottoms install RLV.  Unless there’s something in the profile saying don’t do this kind of restriction, go for it!  Worst that will happen is an OOC communication not to block and you can change it.

Banning photos essentially means blocking inventory.  In an RP context there are usually few good reasons for banning photos as many in SL like to take snapshots of their encounters as souvenirs .  If you’re going for a prison type scenario and the like, it’s appropriate then but in the main it’s one of my less favoured restrictions.

As is probably apparent by now, there are few occasions where  I apply these restrictions; however when I do there’s one thing I do like to do; make myself an exception.  This means that the bottom is still able to communicate with me in IM and me alone.  That in itself can be quite the head trip.  The only occasions I can think of where I’d consider a complete lockdown is banishment, MD Pod Prison and other similar activities.

Next up: Environment.

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Vel passed on a great link to me today, it’s nothing I didn’t already know however for a one stop shop of Folks I can do without  I heartily endorse this article!

I haven’t read the rest of the site, looks good though.

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