Closure

I received news today that a friend of mine would not be coming back to SL.  I’ll not go in to details, the manner that this news reached me was less than good.  Her departure could have been handled a lot better and she could have left SL in a more positive manner.

There’s nothing wrong with moving on, if that’s what’s right for you, that’s precisely what you should do, but there are good ways of doing it and there are bad ways of doing it.  The way this friend did it hurt people, which is unfortunate.

I can’t help but feel grateful, though.  Grateful that although the closure was unpleasant, although it could have been handled with grace and good will, at the very least we have closure.

So, my friend, if you’re reading this I wish you well for the future and thank you for at least letting us know you’re moving on.

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Masks and emoting

If you know me you’ll know I like masks, gasmasks, helmets; don’t ask me to explain the attraction.

Wearing a mask has some implications when it comes to emoting, though.  You see part of the point of wearing a mask is that there are fewer telltales as to your emotions etc.  That’s not accident, that’s design.

I’ve been spending a bit of time in Latexia and something I come across frequently is this:

smiles behind her mask

Uhh, okay.  How the hell am I supposed to know that?  I’ve developed x-ray vision or something?  Now this may seem petty but let’s remember what emoting its supposed to facilitate; it’s supposed to enhance your actions and speech.  It’s not supposed to dictate the observations and experiences of others.

Okay, so life behind a mask must be pretty dull, eh?  Well no, not really.  You see what you need to do is work with what you’ve got.  If you can still speak then why not emote how your speech is?

chuckles warmly, her head nodding

See?  That’s perfectly possible with a mask on.

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Back from banishment

I’ve been back from banishment for a couple of weeks now, other matters have commanded my attention so this blog’s been neglected somewhat.

Twenty-eight hours, hardly a marathon but long enough. My primary goal was to evaluate Alter Tech against KTech. They’re different interpretations and I have a firm opinion which one is the truer to the story. One is much harder than the other for the right reasons, the other is more irritating than one for the wrong reasons. I’ll not express that opinion here, however if you are curious I welcome your inquiries.

Niki asked me not to return home before she got online, yes that’s right kept out my own home by my sub :p, however the wait was well worth it as waiting for me when I got home was this:

 

Yay! Not a bane no more!

 

 

Sweet, huh? So what’s been keeping me busy? RL has been coming to the fore a little, which is a good thing in the main but it is eating in to my SL time a bit. I’ve spent a bit of time at Enslaved and my past life in Quake has been serving me quite well there; that or they all want to get caught…apart from one gentleman, we’ll see where that goes *grins*

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I’ll talk to you, not your owner…

…or mistress or queen or whatever title they go by.  What, you think you’re going to avoid my ire just because you’re submissive to someone else?  Uh-uh, you cause me offense, you’ll be hearing about it directly from me.

One of a catalog of my many bug bears is reading something like this in a profile:

Any complaints or compliments are to be addressed to my owner, Miss Twoshoes

I have a few problems with this.  For one, it goes against my philosophy on BDSM.  I don’t have relationships with dominants, submissives, I have relationships with people.  If there’s a BDSM element to any of those relationships, they’ll develop over a period of time. So if someone offends me, there’s no BDSM element to that, it’s an interpersonal conflict which is of no business to anyone else.

Another problem I have with it is that I myself have rather unusual quirks.  There are characteristics in my submissives which I value and may well not to conform to other people’s ideas of what BDSM is.  Well that’s tough tooty.  They submit to me to please me (and themselves), not to please you and it would be utter hypocrisy for me to contact a dominant because their submissive didn’t conform to my ideals.

Rarely it is necessary to contact the dominant, usually to haul him or her over the coals.  One particular occasion springs to mind; a lady refused to address me as anything other than sis or miss.  Regular readers will know my position on that, if you don’t then here’s what I’ve written about such nonsense.  This lady was adamant that to call me anything else would be against her instructions, so on that occasion I did contact her mistress and reamed her for non-consensually involving me in their BDSM  That is not on.

Other than that though, I talk to people directly and you know what?  That pays dividends I reckon.  I see some really nice work on a set of shackles (you know who you are) I have no hesitation in opening up an IM and going “ooooooh, love what you’ve done with your cuffs,” and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

What’s even worse though is something like this:

Any complaints or compliments about my girls must be brought to me.

Huh?  Who are you to tell me what to do?  If I’ve a problem with one of your living in submission hasn’t got a mouth for herself girls, I’m gonna be taking it up with her, not you.  If you really want to micro-manage their existence, have them report all complaints or compliments to you, leave me out of it.  If, after that, you find you need to speak to me, be my guest but you’re gonna be the one initiating the exchange, not me.  I’m quite approachable really and I’m always up for a good discussion 🙂

From Shuggi’s pet peeves of SL and BDSM department.

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A word about no names

Anyone who’s heard me rant about this will be rolling their eyes right about now.  There are very few occasions where deny names makes sense.  I recall when the restriction first came out, people were doing it to each other like some sort of game.  One choice quote I remember quite clearly, “oh, like I’m not going to know what my wife’s *censored* tastes like, nor be able to recognize her moans, her smell or what she looks like.”  At the time, this lady was on her knees with no blindfold, no earmuffs or anything like that in front of her wife…and she was under no names.

Dumb dumb dumb.  I’ll freely admit to having a problem with this restriction when used incorrectly, it’s a logic bomb that goes off in my head and irritates the living crap out of me.  I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve greeted a friend and there are other people around and the friend’s said, “who’s talking?”  It’s a great restriction when used appropriately, when it’s abused though I just wanna log quite frankly.

Think very carefully about what you’re doing before using no names.  Reasons to use no names:

• Sensory deprivation: deaf/blind – how you going to know who’s around?
• Mind control: if the RP is that your personality’s been over-ridden then yes no names can be very good here
• Kidnapping: It’s entirely feasible that you will not be able to identify your captor(s) in a kidnapping

Banishment is NOT a reason!  The banes had not trouble recognizing their former fellow citizens, they just couldn’t communicate with them.

There are probably others, sinking in a pit of quicksand maybe.  If there is any doubt at all, it’s better not to use it.

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Aftercare

You are forgiven if you don’t know what that is, it seems that few people in SL do.  That has to change, starting now.

If you read this and you blog, blog about aftercare.  If you have input in to any BDSM play space or group, make information on aftercare available.  Please.

 

So what is aftercare?  Simply put it is the most important part of a scene.  It is validation for all participants, it’s the group hug.

It’s what helps someone come back to earth after euphoria or lift her up from the depths of despair, because sometimes things to go bad.  Even when everything goes brilliantly, feelings of euphoria can quickly turn to feelings of shame.

This applies to tops and bottoms!  Tops have emotions and feelings too.

Plagiarising from The BDSM Site

Aftercare is especially important following:

• Scenes that are demanding and intense
• Scenes that involve new partners or new techniques
• Scenes that involve punishment, humiliation or intimations of nonconsensuality
• Scenes that result in tears, screams, orgasm or emotional release.
• Scenes that have been interrupted by an accident, injury, fainting or unseemly act of God.
• Scenes that have "gone bad" resulting in anger, or upset, or ending on a safeword (both top and bottom may well need/appreciate some reassurance if this happens)

Another worthwhile read from the Island of Pain (why have I never been here before?): Excellent post on The Importance of Aftercare.

Tops, well it’s a bit more complicated for you.  Generally speaking, you’ll need to go to friends, platonic ones.  We all have our doubts, most of the time it’s better to thrash those doubts out with a trusted friend so that you’ve thrashed out your own internal issues before bringing anything up with the bottom.  I’ve a few people I can go to and I do; sometimes they come to me too.

How many of you can put your hand on your heart and say that you’ve diligently practiced aftercare in SL?  I know I haven’t, and I know better.

BDSM is wonderful, it can also be terrible.  Let’s all do our bit to make it wonderful.

Practice aftercare.

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Talk to people, not `roles’

No names, no pack drill.

One person made a complete goose of herself and had a wee bit of a tanty, that wasn’t good. The mistake was realized and that person tried to make good with the two people the person offended.

Things seemed to be going okay until one of the offended parties, a resident, initiated an IM. Now the offended party had every right to be upset but even so the resident made some fundamental errors.

Firstly the resident kept referring to the person as a sub and characterizing the person’s transgressions against the person’s submissiveness.

That was a mistake. As I’ve covered earlier submission describes a relationship dynamic, it’s not who you are and it does not impose a defined standard of behavior.

Secondly the resident put conditions on the apology, saying that as the person was a good friend of the citizen, that’s the only reason the resident is accepting the apology.

That was a mistake. You either accept an apology, draw a line under it and move on, or you don’t. Saying that you’re only accepting the apology because of someone else means you’re not really accepting the apology.

When you’re talking to people you don’t have a relationship with, talk to the person, not the supposed role you think that person may have. It can save a lot of grief.

Finally to all of you who love slapping no names on in RLV, confusing, isn’t it?

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