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Archive for January, 2009

Me and Yas

I’ve had a good, long think on how to narrate this next bit of the tale and you know what, I’ve decided it’s best if I summarize it.  It covers a three month period in which I pursued, was collared by and later released by Yasmin Heartsdale.  Three months in which I spent a grand total of two and a half hours one on one with her.

Part of it was time zones I suppose but mostly it boiled down to one thing: I didn’t get in to trouble.  You see if there are rules and I’ve agreed to those rules, I follow them.  There were plenty in her family who didn’t and that’s where her energy went.  Miss Goody Two Shoes here didn’t get a look in.

My time with Yas can be summed up thus:

  • Trial, that was one of the best times I’ve had in SL, an experience I’ll not forget although I doubt it’ll be repeated.  Some things only work the once.
  • Collared
  • Three days wandering around in a daze, with hind sight I know now that I had heavy drop.
  • Stopped wearing restraints.  It’s a quirk of mine, I will not wear restraints unless they are locked or they are being used, something I communicated to Yas at the time.
  • Lots and lots of family drama, I mean not a week went by when there wasn’t one drama or another.
  • Yas putting out an order that everyone was to wear cuffs at all times.  Oopsee, I had a bit of a problem with that.
  • Release.

Some of you may be wondering what the big deal about wearing restraints at all times is, after all I am a sub, no?

Well yes and no, let me put it this way: the liklihood of most of the readers of this blog getting their hands on my keys are pretty close to zero.  I’d say it’s not personal, but it is.  There are very few people I will submit to.  So why get your hopes up needlessly?

Bottom line though is that my position was clearly communicated to Yas several times and she chose to ignore that which left us with three options: I back down, she back down or she makes an exception for me.  Not hard math really, eh?

Two things I’m still sore at Yas for: forbidding my best friend, Yar, from supporting me when she released me.  Given all that I’d done for Yar to help her with her troubles with Yas, I consider that an act of utter cruelty to both Yar and me.

The second is using me as an excuse to uncollar my wife.

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Revenge

Stonehaven cage room, I’m domming someone and having a good time.  Suddenly I’m held by a CC Capture cage.

For the un-initiated these things are pretty much skill-less griefer tools.  They cage the individua and will follow the individual anywhere in the sim.  I was less than impressed.

Several TP’s away and TP’s back allowed me to unlock the cage of the person in my charge, that done I was forced to avoid Stonehaven for the next hour until parcel retrun did its job.

At four weeks in I knew how to find out who it belonged to, one Midnight Feld.  Two nights later, I saw her at Pak with keys out in her SS Shackles.  Auto-lock is a fun toy, it can be activated without the wearer’s konwledge.  Block and mouselook are fun too.  I set it for a six hour delay to activate and three hours, a fair price for costing me a scene and an hour away from Stonehaven.

And that act is what set off a chain of events that would lead to my first collaring.

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Surveillance and trust

The other day I recieved email notification from a restraint that my sub had just logged in to SL.

That’s nice.  Shame I’m stuck at work for the next seven hours.  I mean really, why did I need to know that?

It did perk my interest though as it’s not an area of power exchange I’d discussed with Vel.  Now that Vel’s expressed her feelings on the matter I can express mine without fear of influencing her opinion, although I’m fast learning that that’s something I don’t have to worry too much about with her.

Frankly I’m relieved that it does nothing for Vel one way or the other for a number of reasons.  Chief amongst them is the issue of trust.  Yes, I know this is all virtual and all but I’m of the opinion that BDSM is at least 80% in the head, if not more, and in the head is very much where we are in SL.  Without trust between the dominant and the sub, you’re on a rocky road.  I’m not looking for a relationship where I’m actively poking in to every corner of Vel’s life.

Another reason is consent, something I feel very strongly about.  For those not aware there are a number of products that allow an avatar to act as a bug for a party not present.  Think of all the crime shows where the informant’s gone in wired to gather evidence from his one time associates…okay that’s maybe over-dressing it a bit but the principle still stands.   Just because Vel has consented to have her movements, who she come in to contact with and what she says monitored and recorded doesn’t mean the people she comes in to contact with has.  Short of putting a neon flashing titler above her head proclaiming that all Vel sees and hears is reported to me, gaining that consent is problematic at best.  I’m also pretty sure it’s a ToS violation but I haven’t checked.

Another reason is that it saves me a hell of a lot of work.  I mean really, if Vel was in to this sort of thing I’d feel obligated to at least skim the logs for anything vaguely interesting, otherwise what’s the point?  And goodness can you imagine sifting through the logs if…er strike the if….when  she’s been to a party?

Does that mean surveillance has no place?  No.  For specific activities it can be very useful and can enhance a scene; it can also give a sub re-assurance that someone is watching in an edgy scene.  It’s a tool to be used sparingly and only when appropriate … of course appropriateness is open to some debate.

Unfairly, as a sub I find the idea a bit of a turn on.  I’m not sure the reality would match, though.

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Playing it safe

Conventional BDSM wisdom has it that there are few things worse for a dominant than to hear the dreaded safeword.

Dreaded safeword?  You betcha.  Flipping over to my submissive persona it takes a lot, and I mean a lot, to make me safeword.  Way more than is healthy.  If you ever play with me and I ((safeword)) you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m very far from okay and not a happy kitten.  That’s not the domme’s fault, it’s my fault for letting it get that far ’cause I really really hate failure and, for better or worse, safeword means a scene has not gone well.

I really do need to grow up about that, I’m trying, believe me I am.  Flipping back to my domme persona, what do I feel if I have someone safeword on me?  Well knowing how I feel when I safeword, a truck load of guilt.  I want to wrap the submissive up in my arms and tell her it’s okay, it’s not her fault, we’ll learn from it etc etc and in my opinion that’s the way it should be; a safewording submissive is in a vulnerable state and it’s the duty of the dominant to look after the submissive before licking her own wounds.

So that’s the obvious side of failure, nothing there should be news.  The less obvious side of failure is playing it too safe and in my opinion it’s much more insidious and very difficult for a domme to manage because it relys on something most (not all) submissives suck royally at; telling the dominant what is wanted.

Let’s take Anna (fictional), she’s all about being locked up and left to the mercy of others, that’s what she really enjoys.  Now as a dominant that’s not my style at all.  I’m quite protective of any submissive under me but say for the sake of arugment we became semi-serious.  Any time we’re online together I’d keep her leashed and available, inviting others to have their way with her etc.  While I”m online everything’s peachy, she’s getting what she wants.

Before I log I set her free, this isn’t what Anna wants but it’s unlikely I’ll hear that from her because she’ll not want me to think I’ve dissapointed her.  I walk off feeling good about myself, she’s left frustrated with half met needs.  I say this a lot,  I reckon it’s one of the hardest things in the world for a submissive to tell a dominant, directly, how they want to play.  It’s a catch 22.  If the submissive tells me she wants locked up for a week in a free sex sim, who’s running the show?  The submissive or the dominant?  There’s even a phrase for it, topping from the bottom, not that I necessarily agree with that from a dominant perspective, but it’s hardwired in to the submissive kitten in me; I’m trying to find a short circuit for that.

So where does that leave me and how I approach my play?

I’m the domnant.  I run the show and I set the direction.  I’m prepared to take the odd knock from an occaisional safeword as for me it’s the lesser of two evils.  Provided my submissive trusts I have her best intersts at heart and will learn from things that don’t go so well it’s up to me to brave the way in to the unknown for both of us.

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Goals and failure

You’ve failed.  A phrase I absolutely dread.  I dread it in life, I especially dread it from my Owner.  Fear of failure is a very powerful emotion to play on and something that should be done with the utmost care

I like challenges.  I like activities where I know that if I apply myself I can succeed.  I like to be stretched and I like having to work hard to achieve goals.  It’s okay to fail when you know there’s something better you can do next time and improve.

I don’t like being put in a position where there’s nothing I can do to succeed.

For those who don’t know, a voting cage is a cage where the captive is reliant on people voting for the captive’s release.  There’s a twist though as voters can vote to keep the captive in the cage, increasing the number of votes required for release.  Oh, and any one person can only vote once.

To put it in to perspective, I was put in one once requiring seventeen votes.  It took me seventy five minutes to secure my release and that is considered pretty good going.  A friend of mine was put in and her mistress had the vote count set to two hundred.

Two hundred?  Even if she’d been able to sustain the rate I polled votes, which with two hundred release votes required is dubious at best, that’s fifteen hours!  The reality is that with the traffic in the sim, it’s simply un-achievable, so what was my friend faced with?

No matter which way you look at it, there was nothing in this for my friend but failure.  If she didn’t get the votes required, she’s failed.  If her mistress reduced the votes required, she’s failed.  If her mistress released her before she’s accrued the votes, she’s failed.

Brought to you by the `kitten’s got something she needs to get off her chest’ department.

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Aftermath

So banishment over, how did I feel at the time?

Numb.  I get like that, after a period of such intense emotion, when it’s all over I tend to shut down for a couple of days.  I become a little withdrawn, a little clingy and a little more needy.  With my behavior so tightly controlled, the sudden restoration of freedoms can feel overwhelming for me.  Generally it lasts a couple of days, sometimes longer.  Not this time though.

Illy was there, there to pick up the pieces and I leaned on her a lot.  My memory of what happened after is a little hazy, there was some administration I needed to get done now that the sentence was completed; simple stuff in retrospect but with my head the way it was at the time it seemed inordinately difficult.  After 25 hours of isolation, aside from writing in the sand, the stimulation of SL was a little overwhelming.

IM!  I have a love/hate relationship with IM, some days I log in and I don’t move for half an hour while I deal with them.  Word spread that I’d completed my sentence and the IMs were coming thick and fast.  It was gratifying but at the same time quite diorientating.

Guilt, that was present too.  I knew going in that this was a selfish thing I wanted to do.  It’s no easy thing for a dominant to hand over the wellbeing and care of a sub to a third party; and that’s exactly what the Banishment Program is all about.  By the same token, that’s also what makes the experience what it is for the sub.

Was it really worth causing Illy, who I love, tears?  Sadly, I have to conclude that yes it was.  It had been a burning desire of mine ever since I’d found out about it and one doesn’t stand in the way of a loved one’s burning desires lightly.  I love her all the more for allowing me the experience and supporting me through it.  Now that I’ve done it, I have no burning desire to do it again, especially now I know the cost.

Isolation under her control’s kinda cool though.

My chores completed at Ktech, I awaited an audience with my Mistress.  I was a little nervous, one of the conditions of my going in to banishment was to have some special time before going in; unfortunately events conspired against that and it didn’t happen.  In fact that special time never did happen, something I’ll get to later.

Word came through for me to attend her, which I did with Illy at my side.  Much of the family was present as Mistress had announced her impending marraige to Tey, one of my sisters at the time.  My re-collaring was carried out with the minimum of fuss which I have to say suited me down to the ground.  I was having a very hard job focusing on the now and wanted nothing more than to curl up with Illy in the privacy of our home and lick each other better.

I was therefore somewhat surprised when Illy propsed to me in front of the family.  There was no doubt to my answer but I did think at the time that a straight out proposal to be just a tad out of character for the Illy I’d grown to know and love.

A lot happened between the proposal and the wedding, but that’s a story for another time.

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Release

The sun rises to an insistent demand from my custodian to report for maintenance, the lest said about that the better.  I had a feeling that release was not far away so I decided to risk it and wait at Ktech, it wasn’t long before Illy joined me, well as much as anyone can join someone who is as communicative as a person in a coma.  Still, they say familiar sounds help coma patients come out, right?

With each passing moment I became more and more uneasy.  The rumors about banishment were rife with little in the way of facts.  Tales from loved ones of people going in to banishment for relatively minor offenses and never returning abounded.  The banes that do come out of the program are little help; the process is so scarring that most are loathe to talk about it; that or something more sinister is inhibiting them.

I’d been a good bane, if there’s one thing I’m good at it’s following orders.  Truth to tell I’m far more comfortable with boundaries and that’s something that was becoming increasingly disturbing; to someone of my disposition banishment is strangely comforting.  The presence of the custodian monitoring my every thought keeps me on the straight and narrow, just a shame that the path is so narrow and lonely.  I think that’s what Yasmin and Illy feared the most, I know that Yasmin knew someone who’d gone expressed regret when it was over.  At the time I scoffed but now, well now I understand.

Time ticked on.  How long to go?  What if there’s a malfunction, or something more nefarious?  I know that some of my acquaintances have contacts in ktech, what if I’ve slighted someone without realizing it and this is seen as an opportunity for payback.

I fingerd the seal at my neck nervously, the sun was rising past its zenith and still nothing.  Illy seemed content to stay with me, her presence a comfort and, at the same time, a torment.  It’s bad enough that I’m stuck in this infernal suit, but to have my friends put their lifes on hold for me was more than I could bear.  I consoled myself that at least it promised to be shorter than the alternative, prison.

The industrial surrounds of ktech started to press in on me, I longed for the shores of Misses West and Atrum Votum.  Isolation does stange things to your perception of time, I must have gotten it wrong, today wasn’t going to be the day…

The custodian, quite for so long, bursts in to life in my head.  Sentence completed.

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