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Archive for January, 2009

Me and Yas

I’ve had a good, long think on how to narrate this next bit of the tale and you know what, I’ve decided it’s best if I summarize it.  It covers a three month period in which I pursued, was collared by and later released by Yasmin Heartsdale.  Three months in which I spent a grand total of two and a half hours one on one with her.

Part of it was time zones I suppose but mostly it boiled down to one thing: I didn’t get in to trouble.  You see if there are rules and I’ve agreed to those rules, I follow them.  There were plenty in her family who didn’t and that’s where her energy went.  Miss Goody Two Shoes here didn’t get a look in.

My time with Yas can be summed up thus:

  • Trial, that was one of the best times I’ve had in SL, an experience I’ll not forget although I doubt it’ll be repeated.  Some things only work the once.
  • Collared
  • Three days wandering around in a daze, with hind sight I know now that I had heavy drop.
  • Stopped wearing restraints.  It’s a quirk of mine, I will not wear restraints unless they are locked or they are being used, something I communicated to Yas at the time.
  • Lots and lots of family drama, I mean not a week went by when there wasn’t one drama or another.
  • Yas putting out an order that everyone was to wear cuffs at all times.  Oopsee, I had a bit of a problem with that.
  • Release.

Some of you may be wondering what the big deal about wearing restraints at all times is, after all I am a sub, no?

Well yes and no, let me put it this way: the liklihood of most of the readers of this blog getting their hands on my keys are pretty close to zero.  I’d say it’s not personal, but it is.  There are very few people I will submit to.  So why get your hopes up needlessly?

Bottom line though is that my position was clearly communicated to Yas several times and she chose to ignore that which left us with three options: I back down, she back down or she makes an exception for me.  Not hard math really, eh?

Two things I’m still sore at Yas for: forbidding my best friend, Yar, from supporting me when she released me.  Given all that I’d done for Yar to help her with her troubles with Yas, I consider that an act of utter cruelty to both Yar and me.

The second is using me as an excuse to uncollar my wife.

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Revenge

Stonehaven cage room, I’m domming someone and having a good time.  Suddenly I’m held by a CC Capture cage.

For the un-initiated these things are pretty much skill-less griefer tools.  They cage the individua and will follow the individual anywhere in the sim.  I was less than impressed.

Several TP’s away and TP’s back allowed me to unlock the cage of the person in my charge, that done I was forced to avoid Stonehaven for the next hour until parcel retrun did its job.

At four weeks in I knew how to find out who it belonged to, one Midnight Feld.  Two nights later, I saw her at Pak with keys out in her SS Shackles.  Auto-lock is a fun toy, it can be activated without the wearer’s konwledge.  Block and mouselook are fun too.  I set it for a six hour delay to activate and three hours, a fair price for costing me a scene and an hour away from Stonehaven.

And that act is what set off a chain of events that would lead to my first collaring.

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Surveillance and trust

The other day I recieved email notification from a restraint that my sub had just logged in to SL.

That’s nice.  Shame I’m stuck at work for the next seven hours.  I mean really, why did I need to know that?

It did perk my interest though as it’s not an area of power exchange I’d discussed with Vel.  Now that Vel’s expressed her feelings on the matter I can express mine without fear of influencing her opinion, although I’m fast learning that that’s something I don’t have to worry too much about with her.

Frankly I’m relieved that it does nothing for Vel one way or the other for a number of reasons.  Chief amongst them is the issue of trust.  Yes, I know this is all virtual and all but I’m of the opinion that BDSM is at least 80% in the head, if not more, and in the head is very much where we are in SL.  Without trust between the dominant and the sub, you’re on a rocky road.  I’m not looking for a relationship where I’m actively poking in to every corner of Vel’s life.

Another reason is consent, something I feel very strongly about.  For those not aware there are a number of products that allow an avatar to act as a bug for a party not present.  Think of all the crime shows where the informant’s gone in wired to gather evidence from his one time associates…okay that’s maybe over-dressing it a bit but the principle still stands.   Just because Vel has consented to have her movements, who she come in to contact with and what she says monitored and recorded doesn’t mean the people she comes in to contact with has.  Short of putting a neon flashing titler above her head proclaiming that all Vel sees and hears is reported to me, gaining that consent is problematic at best.  I’m also pretty sure it’s a ToS violation but I haven’t checked.

Another reason is that it saves me a hell of a lot of work.  I mean really, if Vel was in to this sort of thing I’d feel obligated to at least skim the logs for anything vaguely interesting, otherwise what’s the point?  And goodness can you imagine sifting through the logs if…er strike the if….when  she’s been to a party?

Does that mean surveillance has no place?  No.  For specific activities it can be very useful and can enhance a scene; it can also give a sub re-assurance that someone is watching in an edgy scene.  It’s a tool to be used sparingly and only when appropriate … of course appropriateness is open to some debate.

Unfairly, as a sub I find the idea a bit of a turn on.  I’m not sure the reality would match, though.

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Playing it safe

Conventional BDSM wisdom has it that there are few things worse for a dominant than to hear the dreaded safeword.

Dreaded safeword?  You betcha.  Flipping over to my submissive persona it takes a lot, and I mean a lot, to make me safeword.  Way more than is healthy.  If you ever play with me and I ((safeword)) you can bet your bottom dollar that I’m very far from okay and not a happy kitten.  That’s not the domme’s fault, it’s my fault for letting it get that far ’cause I really really hate failure and, for better or worse, safeword means a scene has not gone well.

I really do need to grow up about that, I’m trying, believe me I am.  Flipping back to my domme persona, what do I feel if I have someone safeword on me?  Well knowing how I feel when I safeword, a truck load of guilt.  I want to wrap the submissive up in my arms and tell her it’s okay, it’s not her fault, we’ll learn from it etc etc and in my opinion that’s the way it should be; a safewording submissive is in a vulnerable state and it’s the duty of the dominant to look after the submissive before licking her own wounds.

So that’s the obvious side of failure, nothing there should be news.  The less obvious side of failure is playing it too safe and in my opinion it’s much more insidious and very difficult for a domme to manage because it relys on something most (not all) submissives suck royally at; telling the dominant what is wanted.

Let’s take Anna (fictional), she’s all about being locked up and left to the mercy of others, that’s what she really enjoys.  Now as a dominant that’s not my style at all.  I’m quite protective of any submissive under me but say for the sake of arugment we became semi-serious.  Any time we’re online together I’d keep her leashed and available, inviting others to have their way with her etc.  While I”m online everything’s peachy, she’s getting what she wants.

Before I log I set her free, this isn’t what Anna wants but it’s unlikely I’ll hear that from her because she’ll not want me to think I’ve dissapointed her.  I walk off feeling good about myself, she’s left frustrated with half met needs.  I say this a lot,  I reckon it’s one of the hardest things in the world for a submissive to tell a dominant, directly, how they want to play.  It’s a catch 22.  If the submissive tells me she wants locked up for a week in a free sex sim, who’s running the show?  The submissive or the dominant?  There’s even a phrase for it, topping from the bottom, not that I necessarily agree with that from a dominant perspective, but it’s hardwired in to the submissive kitten in me; I’m trying to find a short circuit for that.

So where does that leave me and how I approach my play?

I’m the domnant.  I run the show and I set the direction.  I’m prepared to take the odd knock from an occaisional safeword as for me it’s the lesser of two evils.  Provided my submissive trusts I have her best intersts at heart and will learn from things that don’t go so well it’s up to me to brave the way in to the unknown for both of us.

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Goals and failure

You’ve failed.  A phrase I absolutely dread.  I dread it in life, I especially dread it from my Owner.  Fear of failure is a very powerful emotion to play on and something that should be done with the utmost care

I like challenges.  I like activities where I know that if I apply myself I can succeed.  I like to be stretched and I like having to work hard to achieve goals.  It’s okay to fail when you know there’s something better you can do next time and improve.

I don’t like being put in a position where there’s nothing I can do to succeed.

For those who don’t know, a voting cage is a cage where the captive is reliant on people voting for the captive’s release.  There’s a twist though as voters can vote to keep the captive in the cage, increasing the number of votes required for release.  Oh, and any one person can only vote once.

To put it in to perspective, I was put in one once requiring seventeen votes.  It took me seventy five minutes to secure my release and that is considered pretty good going.  A friend of mine was put in and her mistress had the vote count set to two hundred.

Two hundred?  Even if she’d been able to sustain the rate I polled votes, which with two hundred release votes required is dubious at best, that’s fifteen hours!  The reality is that with the traffic in the sim, it’s simply un-achievable, so what was my friend faced with?

No matter which way you look at it, there was nothing in this for my friend but failure.  If she didn’t get the votes required, she’s failed.  If her mistress reduced the votes required, she’s failed.  If her mistress released her before she’s accrued the votes, she’s failed.

Brought to you by the `kitten’s got something she needs to get off her chest’ department.

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Aftermath

So banishment over, how did I feel at the time?

Numb.  I get like that, after a period of such intense emotion, when it’s all over I tend to shut down for a couple of days.  I become a little withdrawn, a little clingy and a little more needy.  With my behavior so tightly controlled, the sudden restoration of freedoms can feel overwhelming for me.  Generally it lasts a couple of days, sometimes longer.  Not this time though.

Illy was there, there to pick up the pieces and I leaned on her a lot.  My memory of what happened after is a little hazy, there was some administration I needed to get done now that the sentence was completed; simple stuff in retrospect but with my head the way it was at the time it seemed inordinately difficult.  After 25 hours of isolation, aside from writing in the sand, the stimulation of SL was a little overwhelming.

IM!  I have a love/hate relationship with IM, some days I log in and I don’t move for half an hour while I deal with them.  Word spread that I’d completed my sentence and the IMs were coming thick and fast.  It was gratifying but at the same time quite diorientating.

Guilt, that was present too.  I knew going in that this was a selfish thing I wanted to do.  It’s no easy thing for a dominant to hand over the wellbeing and care of a sub to a third party; and that’s exactly what the Banishment Program is all about.  By the same token, that’s also what makes the experience what it is for the sub.

Was it really worth causing Illy, who I love, tears?  Sadly, I have to conclude that yes it was.  It had been a burning desire of mine ever since I’d found out about it and one doesn’t stand in the way of a loved one’s burning desires lightly.  I love her all the more for allowing me the experience and supporting me through it.  Now that I’ve done it, I have no burning desire to do it again, especially now I know the cost.

Isolation under her control’s kinda cool though.

My chores completed at Ktech, I awaited an audience with my Mistress.  I was a little nervous, one of the conditions of my going in to banishment was to have some special time before going in; unfortunately events conspired against that and it didn’t happen.  In fact that special time never did happen, something I’ll get to later.

Word came through for me to attend her, which I did with Illy at my side.  Much of the family was present as Mistress had announced her impending marraige to Tey, one of my sisters at the time.  My re-collaring was carried out with the minimum of fuss which I have to say suited me down to the ground.  I was having a very hard job focusing on the now and wanted nothing more than to curl up with Illy in the privacy of our home and lick each other better.

I was therefore somewhat surprised when Illy propsed to me in front of the family.  There was no doubt to my answer but I did think at the time that a straight out proposal to be just a tad out of character for the Illy I’d grown to know and love.

A lot happened between the proposal and the wedding, but that’s a story for another time.

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Release

The sun rises to an insistent demand from my custodian to report for maintenance, the lest said about that the better.  I had a feeling that release was not far away so I decided to risk it and wait at Ktech, it wasn’t long before Illy joined me, well as much as anyone can join someone who is as communicative as a person in a coma.  Still, they say familiar sounds help coma patients come out, right?

With each passing moment I became more and more uneasy.  The rumors about banishment were rife with little in the way of facts.  Tales from loved ones of people going in to banishment for relatively minor offenses and never returning abounded.  The banes that do come out of the program are little help; the process is so scarring that most are loathe to talk about it; that or something more sinister is inhibiting them.

I’d been a good bane, if there’s one thing I’m good at it’s following orders.  Truth to tell I’m far more comfortable with boundaries and that’s something that was becoming increasingly disturbing; to someone of my disposition banishment is strangely comforting.  The presence of the custodian monitoring my every thought keeps me on the straight and narrow, just a shame that the path is so narrow and lonely.  I think that’s what Yasmin and Illy feared the most, I know that Yasmin knew someone who’d gone expressed regret when it was over.  At the time I scoffed but now, well now I understand.

Time ticked on.  How long to go?  What if there’s a malfunction, or something more nefarious?  I know that some of my acquaintances have contacts in ktech, what if I’ve slighted someone without realizing it and this is seen as an opportunity for payback.

I fingerd the seal at my neck nervously, the sun was rising past its zenith and still nothing.  Illy seemed content to stay with me, her presence a comfort and, at the same time, a torment.  It’s bad enough that I’m stuck in this infernal suit, but to have my friends put their lifes on hold for me was more than I could bear.  I consoled myself that at least it promised to be shorter than the alternative, prison.

The industrial surrounds of ktech started to press in on me, I longed for the shores of Misses West and Atrum Votum.  Isolation does stange things to your perception of time, I must have gotten it wrong, today wasn’t going to be the day…

The custodian, quite for so long, bursts in to life in my head.  Sentence completed.

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I guess I spent the first period of my banishment much like any other bane, testing the limits imposed on me by the infernal custodian, directly meshed in to my brain.  It’s ever-present, seemingly able to anticipate any transgression that crosses my mind.

Countless times I’d go to my old haunts, getting as close as I’d dare to my friends and acquaintances.  I hover on the edges, careful not to get too close, waiting for admonishment from the custodian.  Through the next few days I’d continue to explore the limits of what the custodian would and would not allow but I was cautious.  I was all too aware that if I pushed the boundaries too far I’d be spending even more time under the watchful eye of the custodian.

Time passed and I took to wandering the shores of Misses West and Atrum Votum.  Limited cotact was made by one of my sistes, Virgo.  She appeared one day, placing a sign I instantly recogized as the work of Illy.  I didn’t need to be able to read in order to know that it was a message of love and support, which is just as well as banes can’t read.

The first update came through, no sentence increase.  I was relieved, having recieved some agonizing punishments over the last couple of days I had feared the worst.

Emboldened I agreed to push the boundaries with on of my friends who found me, Munsta, by responding to his questions with yes and no shakes of the head.  He kept his distance and everything seemed to be going well.  It was frustrating not being able to influence the direction of the coversation but it was contact, contact I desperately craved.

Without warning pain exploded in my head, causing me to stagger.  The recpetors that gave me vision spat angry stabs of light in to me as the custodian admonished me for contact.  Not knowing what to do I stumbled away from Munsta, desperately fighting through the searing agony.  I was vaguely aware of him coming after me but he must have realized that was the wrong thing to do and let me retreat.

As suddenly as it started the pain ended, vision returned to normal.  I sobbed inside the helmet, not that anyone would have been able to hear it.  It was as if the custodian had been playing with me, building up my hopes then dashing them thoroghly.  It was a very different night’s sleep that night.

Update, an extra hour.  I can’t say I’m surprised.  I’ve lost track of how much time I’ve done and how much there is to go, it’s probably better that way.  Existing in the now, that’s what’s important.  Letting go of wants, or at least putting them someplace else till I get out of this infernal thing, seems to be the only way that I’m gonna get through this.  I take to playing in the sand, making patterns in it with my feet; a mindless activity to pass the time.

Illy.  There she is just out of chat range.  My heart aches to have her so close yet unable to acknowledge her.  I can only assume she’s been briefed by Munsta as she makes no attempt to communiate, she just wants to be here, for me.

We spend the rest of the day on the beach, me trapped in the suit with the custodian with Illy trapped on the same beach as me by the chains of her love.  It felt utterly alien to be so close and not be able to so much as say hello or wave.  It must have been hell for Illy observing the same restrictions; it was a safe bet the custodian would take a dim view of any attmepts by Illy to interact with me; something that Munsta had doubtlessly passed on to Illy.

Time passed, the sun went down and the last thing I saw before nodding off for the night was Illy.

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Banished

I exit the maintenance station, having completed what was required of me.  Furtively I look around, hoping that fate is kind to me and there are no bane bashers waiting to give me grief.  Swiftly I head to what has become a sanctuary for me, Atrum Votum. to the only true friend I have right now.

Solitude.

I can not talk.  I have to be careful what I hear and I can’t be around people.  I know, because I’ve tried and been punished for it.  I’m hoping that’s the end of it but I’m not so sure.

It all happened so quickly and unexpectedly.  I knew I had to pay for my crime, and that this would cut the time down by two thirds if I behaved myself.  I thought I’d have more time to spend with my friends, buttress myself for my penance.  I’d heard there was a back log and I’d have some grace.

Alas it wasn’t to be.  Operator WinthorpeFoghorn Zinnemann must have been tipped off about my presence on the Patio at Stonehaven, that really was a stupid place for me to be.  Humiliatingly I was arrested in front of my peers and taken to ktech to be processed in to a bane.  On the way I was taken to surgery where the virus that had turned me in to a neko was reversed.

Oh yes, I’m not a kitten any more.  Just another human, processed in to a bane.  It was agonizing, being turned in to a mere human again.  Not just physically but psychologically as well.  Every identifying feature that marked me as a neko was stripped from me, my collar was broken off my neck, the armband of my neko benefactor and girlfriend ripped from my arm.

It pains me to go in to more detail than that, suffice to say I was duly processed and sent out to live among the free but be forever apart from them.  If I behaved, it would be over in a week but I was frightened  I’d had enough idle time, enough sleepless nights to contemplate and do my research, something nekos are extremely good at.  The average bane ends up serving 150% of the sentence

No human contact, especially no contact with other banes.  No contact with my family, no contact with my Goddess, no contact with my friends.

No contact with my girlfriend, my lover, my confidant, Illy.

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A look ahead

Three months old, three months old, I’m itching for it to come.  It’s a very improtant rez day for kitten (yeah, I’m now a kitten.  I’ll get to how that happened later).

Excuse me, I should back up a bit.  kitten’s next isolation happened three months later, however it was a very different kitten who went in to Banishment.  Because I’m telling the story I get to choose the time lines, a bit Pulp Fiction like.

So kitten’s now a neko, infected (willingly) by kitten’s girlfriend at the time, Ilandere Boa (kitten’s current wife and Owner).

kitten also has eight sisters and a Goddess, Yasmin Heartsdale.  More on that later too.

So what’s special about three months?  Three months is the minimum age that one can enter Marine Kelley’s Banishment Program re-creating in SL the environment of the Evil Dolly story Eudeamon

To the un-iniitaited what it means in practial terms is 100% isolation in SL.  Featurless, no defining characteristics, every bane looks just the same as the other.  No IMs, inventory, chat…even emotes are punished.  More than that I can’t say, it’ll spoil the experience if you decide to have a crack at it, but one very important point needs to be made.

If one decides to enter the program, it’s not a mistress/domme whatever putting you through it.  It’s a company, a corporation.  A third party that cannot be swayed by the bane’s loved ones.  The isolation from all the bane knows is total.  And it’s total in both diretions.

I came across the story of Eudeamon shortly after kitten’s first experience of isolation. The story fascinated me, it still does, and it was something I just had to do.

Easy to say when you’re three weeks old.  A bit harder when you’re three months old and have people you care for and who care about you.  I was under no illusions that it’s a very selfish  desire and I determined that if kitten’s at the time girlfriend or kitten’s Goddess objected, I woudln’t do it.

It wasn’t a secret that this has been a fascination of kitten’s for some time amd neither wanted to stand in kitten’s way, although both were fearful.  You see banishemt is not a pre-determined sentence as such.  It’s very easy to rack up violations, violations increase the sentence.  The minimum sentence for a bane is 24 hours, the one I appplied for.  On average a bane can expect to serve half again, 36 hours.  One of kitten’s friends went in for 24 hours and came out after 90.

So it was with love and no small amount of fear I recieved the blessing of kitten’s girlfriend and Goddess.  I filled out kitten’s application which was duly processed in a surpsingly short time.  I was sentenced and told by the Engineer to expect processing at any time.

The stage was set.   I was a baned kitten walking, going about SL just like anyone else just waiting for the tap on the shoulder that would transform me in to a featureless bane.

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